


The Path to Manliness

by TheYellowTurtle



Series: EXO Crack Collection [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Crack, WTF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-23
Updated: 2014-07-23
Packaged: 2018-02-10 01:56:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2006613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheYellowTurtle/pseuds/TheYellowTurtle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luhan wants to be seen as manly. Lord Yehet can help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Path to Manliness

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry.
> 
> The Lonely Island/SNL references.

I cross my arms and narrow my eyes at Han. "So you want to be manly?"

He drops to his knees and looks up at me with watery eyes. "So much. Please help me, Sehun. I'm sick of no one believing that I'm manly."

My lips drop to their trademark frown as I contemplate the peasant before me. Han has been a decent hyung. Sure he can't fuck me all night long because he's straight, but he's been a source of entertainment. He does make up most of my collection of derp gifs and does provide me with monthly choco bubble tea tributes. 

I flick my hair and sigh deeply. I guess I'll just take one for the team. We're all fucking sick of this manly business. If Han mentions it one more time, then I'm pretty sure Minseok-hyung is going to arm wrestle his arm off. Never mess with Minseok. That bitch is fucking scary and has the strength of five million rabid fangirls.

"I guess I can help you," Han's eyes begin to shimmer, "but on one condition."

"What is it?! I'll do anything!" He means it. I silently chuckle to myself. He's like puddy in my hands.

"Call me hyung." I cross my arms and grin down at him.

"Yes, hyung!" I grin. Well that was easy.

I gesture for him to get up and follow me to my bedroom. I kick some plushies out of the way -fucking Wufan- and take a seat on my bed. Han sits across from me on a pile of alpacas. "Take off your pants and boxers."

Han looks at me with wide eyes. I raise my brows at him and wave my hand for him to get on with it. He continues to stare at me like I just told him his precious Umin-hyung hates him. "I'm not comfortable doing that, hyung."

I throw my hands up in exasperation and stand up from the bed. I unzip my skinny jeans and pull them all the way down with boxers. I kick them to the side and pull off my shirt for good measure. Wearing a shirt with no underwear is major creeper status.

Han is still petrified in his seat of alpacas. I place my hands on hips. "Do it now, Han."

Three minutes later we are both fully in the nude. I stand proudly with my head raised. Biggest dick in EXO!! Woot woot!! Yehet!! Ohorat!!

Han on the other hand is crossing his legs in an attempt to hide his genitals. I sigh. There is so much work to be done.

"First lesson," Han looks up meekly, "you have a penis," he nods his head in understanding, "and you are proud."

He eyes narrow in determination and he nods his head in agreement after a quick peek to make sure his dick is still there. 

"Now stand up and put your hands on your hips," I order and he quickly obeys with a blush on his face.

"Repeat after me. I have a penis and I am proud."

"I have a penis and I am proud," he mumbles.

"Louder!"

"I have a penis and I am proud!" 

"Even louder, Han!"

"I HAVE A PENIS AND I AM PROUD!!"

I wipe a tear from my eye. It's so touching seeing your children grow up. 

"And what do you do to impress a chick?" I question.

"I HAVE A PENIS AND I AM PROUD!!" I throw the nearest stuffed animal at him. 

"No! This is the next lesson Han! The ladies know you have a penis, but screaming that does not impress them. It only makes them think you're a complete fucking douchebag. And you do not want to be a douchebag! The only thing worse than the brother zone is the fucking douchebag zone!"

He nods his head in determination, "So what does impress a chick, hyung?"

I chuckle to myself, "To impress a chick you do the helicopter dick."

"The what?" 

"Step back, step back. I shall do a demonstration for you." I then begin to gyrate my pelvis in such a way that my huge cock starts to spin in a circular-like motion. Han can only stare at me with awe in his eyes and his mouth wide open.

When I'm finished with my little demonstration he beings to clap his hands together with more enthusiasm than Chanyeol's existence. I take a bow.

"And that is lesson two on how to be manly. Impressing chicks is very important." I pick up my pants up from the floor and tug them on. "We'll continue this another time. Practice your helicopter dick in the mean time." 

I walk over to Han and ruffle his hair, "Hyung is proud of you." 

I coolly strut out of the room and shut the door behind me. My shoulders drop in relief. Peasants are hard to deal with, but I'm not Lord Yehet for nothing. Yehet for me, bitches. 


End file.
